All is quiet as the set is closing down after
another successful - albeit dismally rated - show. Emcee and chairman
Kaga Takeshi steps out onto the floor to make an announcement. He
informs his cast and panel of judges in Japanese that slight changes
will be made to the format of the show in future episodes. But before
he can explain, the door flies open and Vince McMahon, the CEO of WWE,
barges into the studio accompanied by his entourage of lawyers and a
bevy of WWE Divas (tm), as well as several burly-looking 'enforcers'
fresh from the ring.
"Listen up, people!" McMahon begins. "I hate to be blunt, but your show
is %@$# in the ratings. Now, any other filthy-rich TV mogul with
nothing better to do would simply shut you down. But I'm not just any
filthy-rich TV mogul. I'm Vince #$#& McMahon!" Looking around, the
wrestling tycoon sees he has the attention of everyone in the studio,
even though a third of
them can't understand a word he says. "So here's what I'm gonna do.
After that XFL fiasco, none of the major broadcast networks will let me
start a new show on any of their stations. So I'm buying out your
studio
and your show." There are several audible gasps from the
crowd in the studio, and Kaga starts to tiptoe toward the door.
Reveling in the stunned silence, McMahon grins and continues. "We're...
well,
altering your format a
little, to integrate some innovations of mine that will send your
ratings through... the... roof."
A large sliding door on the far wall of the studio opens, and several
of McMahon's wrestlers wheel a steel cage onto the floor. "Welcome to
Extreme
Chefs!" McMahon announces gleefully. "You're gonna go out and find
two lame-brained #$%^@$# who think they can cook. You're gonna drag 'em
in here. You're gonna give 'em each a half-hour to cook something, then
you're gonna judge it.
Then, you're gonna throw 'em both in the
cage for a no-holds-barred HARDCORE CAGE MATCH. Whoever's left standing
wins your little
Iron Chef trophy or whatever it is you're
giving
away this week." He turns to Kaga. "I didn't say you could leave."
Without
a word, the Undertaker tosses Kaga back into the center of the studio.
"So, Kaga," Vince says mockingly, "tell us about our first two
contestants."
Kaga swallows hard. "The first contestant... is an
internationally-acclaimed chef with his own TV show on the Food
Network. He has published several
cookbooks and appeared on numerous syndicated talk shows. He has just
begun
marketing his own brand of barbecue sauce called... "BAM!-B-Que". His
name
is... Emeril Lagasse." There are several more gasps from the crowd, but
Kaga continues. "Our second contestant is... loved by children
worldwide
and shared a prime-time show with puppets. No one can understand a word
he says, but is that really a problem here?" There are several snickers
from the panel of judges, who are all immediately hit over their heads
with
steel chairs. "His name is... the Swedish Chef!"
Vince grins. "I like it. So they have their little cookoff, then we put
'em in the cage and let 'em battle it out to see who's the best chef
around... I
really like it. Go bring 'em both in here. Let's
get it on!"
Which chef will manage to produce the best dishes within their
half-hour time limit? And which one will survive the no-holds-barred
hardcore cage match?
Emeril
vs.
The Swedish Chef
PHIL: Welcome to
GRUDGE MATCH!!! I'm
Phil, and joining me is my roomie Steve. Steve, what do you make of
this battle between two of TV land's most popular chefs? Will the
Swedish Chef be able to draw upon his Muppet Magic (tm) to overcome the
overwhelming onslaught that is Emeril "BAM!" Lagasse? Or will the
keeper of the kitchen keys emerge from this catastrophic culinary
cataclysm the champion?
I didn't want
to do this, but I'm afraid I have no choice but to go with Emeril here.
At least for the cookoff. Steve wouldn't let me pick the Swedish Chef.
So yeah. Emeril wins. Right, Steve?
STEVE: Swedish Chef in zero
flat, Philsy. First of all, when it comes to out and out mayhem,
one does not go up against the crazy-mad culinary skills of Chez Swede.
The man can work with the strangest of ingredients, making
chocolate mousse by pouring Hershey's syrup over a live moose or
creating detonating souffles. The Chef will whip Mr. Lagasse into
a pulp and spit him out before he can so much as utter his first "BAM!"
Plus, what the heck is even IN Emeril's "Essence" anyway? I mean,
would you wanna eat something that you knew had a guy's "essence" in
it? I know I wouldn't! In fact, the stuff is a fine grained
powder, probably rife with all manner of imported drugs from the New
Orleans drug cartel! Emeril's probably their chief smuggler and
drug runner! Heck, being as doped up as he is, he'll be lucky if
he can finish his initial batter, much less make it to the cage match.
Swedish Chef before you can say, "A herndee blee, fonder se
hoompah troompah..."
PHIL: Okay, Steve. Since this is the
first match EVER on my BRAND NEW WEBSITE!!!, I'll go easy on you. Let's
look at the facts here. One, although the Muppets are Friggin' AWESOME
(tm), they ultimately exist for the purpose of comedy. Emeril may make
us laugh, but in the long run he's all business. He's there to cook.
Detonating souffles? Sure, why not? They're hilarious! But will they
win over the panel of judges? I doubt it - although the impending
explosion will obliterate the maddeningly annoying judges and their
array of voice-over people, driving the show's ratings through the
roof. But that's another story.
The point is, to win this match, a contestant has to win BOTH the
cookoff and the cage match. I would probably have to agree with you if
you said Emeril doesn't stand a chance in the cage; if there's one
thing I can say for sure, it's NEVER underestimate what the Muppets are
capable of. But it doesn't make any difference in the long run.
By failing to produce a winning entree in the cookoff, the best that
the Swedish Chef can hope for is a tie. A horrible, viewer-gratifying
bloodbath of a tie, perhaps. A tie I'd give appendages to go watch,
perhaps. But he's not gonna win the event. I'm seeing Emeril cleaning
house in the cookoff, followed by a nor'easter of blood and entrails in
the cage, from which Swedish will emerge largely unscathed. A tie
overall.
STEVE: Wow. That
was... just... wow.
All I can say is, I'm glad I'm not on trial with you as my defense
lawyer, that's all I've gotta say. For someone who's trying to
convince me (not to mention the voters) that Emeril's gonna triumph,
you seem to be pushing this "tie" thing a bit too much.
So, seeing as how you yourself say that the Swedish Chef will win the
cage match (meaning that it is no longer pertinent to argue), I shall
go on to explain why it will be the Sauteein' Swede and not the Crazy
Cajun who will be taking all in this match.
The way I see it, the only thing the Swedish Chef needs to be is
prepare something edible to win this competition. Why is that?
Because Emeril is getting disqualified! It all comes back
to the "Essence". Of course the judges are gonna like his dish
better... it's got drugs in it! Ever see that episode of Taxi where Latka makes those
"special" brownies (and I don't
mean Pepperidge Farm" either) and Alex, Jim, and the gang get addicted?
Same rules apply. However, this time, a simple urine test
will conclude that Emeril's "Essence" is really a horrifying
combination of heroine, angel dust (a.k.a. PCP), crack, marijuana,
oregano, cayenne pepper, and thyme - which is just enough to rule
Emeril out of the cooking competition. Vince McMahon can't have
drug use on television - not even on the Food Network - so, in order to
live up to both FCC and FDA standards, he'll have to disqualify Lagasse
in order to keep from getting sued by families all over the nation who
got arrested for trying to prepare the dish after downloading the
recipe off of the Internet.
At this point, even a raw egg smoothie would win the competition for
the Swedish Chef, making him victor. And, to the victor, go the
proverbial spoils - his own live cooking show. "Watch 'SC LIVE!'
this fall on the Food Network!"
The
Verdict:
The Swedish Chef (61%)
easily purées
Emeril (15%)
and there will be no Tie (23%)
What do you think?
Talk about it in our forums!!!
